Today I have stood up for myself, which in fact, was a long time coming. I've never really been confident, I am very much an introvert, but on the outside I like to act like i'm an extrovert and I appear to be very confident. Which, is very not true at all. I read in 'The worst Girl Gang Ever' that in times like this, you see who is there for you, and while I must say I have the best people around me who support and love me endlessly, there have been people who did not. In no way am I slagging these people off, they have their own lives and own problems, but I must admit that there have been A LOT of people who have let me down, and I'm sure if you've been in a situation like this, you do too.
The doctor told me that I should wait until I have a period until we tried again, but, on our wedding night, we may not have been as careful as we should have been. And so, when I began to feel my boobs hurt a month after our wedding, I knew I should probably take a pregnancy test. There it was, a blue line, much darker than the last one, I think I felt EVERY single emotion possible in that moment. I could not believe I was pregnant again, so soon, so exciting but also terrified that I would lose this baby too.
I'm not sure if you know the feeling, like unequivocally and undeniably something bad will happen, I had that throughout the whole of my first trimester. Everyone told me that it will be fine, and I WILL be a mum, however, in the back of my head I just knew that I will not be taking them home.
BUT, I had my first scan at 10 weeks, and everything looked fine, a perfectly healthy baby growing within me. A creation of me and my husband, and being pregnant felt amazing (apart from the nausea, and the back pain and the mood swings). I was going to be a mum.
I've also been thinking about people asking how you are, and I have realised that many people don't care about how you actually are, they want to hear the normal response "Yeah, I'm Okay'. I am not okay, I lost my baby just over 2 months ago, how on earth can I be okay? Although, I am okay. I got out of bed, I got dressed, I took my dog for a walk and I ate 3 meals, I'm probably doing a lot better than I should be doing, and it's also okay if you're not doing these things. If all you did today was eat some noodles, that's fine too. Because our grief as mums and dads is not linear, one day we all will be okay, maybe not ever great, but okay.
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