I found out I was pregnant on 19th March 2023, mothers day. There was the faintest blue line on a pregnancy test that I had bought on the way home from seeing my boyfriend. It had only been 3 weeks since he had been back in the UK and I just wanted a baby so bad. We weren't exactly trying, just not-not trying.
I couldn't believe there was a line on that pregnancy test, we both joked about how fertile we both must be, we were getting married in a month. I couldn't believe that my life was turning out exactly the way I'd planned. I was only 5 weeks, yet I rang my parents to tell them the news, of course, they were over the moon, they have always wanted more grandchildren. Excited was an understatement, I rang my GP and she booked me in with the midwife, I had to wait another 3 weeks for the appointment, I could barely contain myself.
That Monday morning I decided I needed to pick up some prenatal vitamins, they were DISGUSTING. I knew though, that to help my baby have the best start was to take these, and so, I did. A week of taking these awful (massive by the way) pills.
And then...
I was coming back from getting Mcdonalds (bad I know, but I used the excuse of being pregnant), when I had awful cramps in my back, I had been told that these were normal, something about implantation. But when I got to my bathroom, I noticed the blood in my pants. Pregnant women can bleed, but this was more than a few drops, this was like a massacre had happened and I was the one to walk in after the fight. I rang my boyfriend, tears flooded my eyes, knowing that I would have to explain to everyone that I will not be having this baby. A baby I had dreamt about since being a little girl.
I went to the doctor the day after, she had explained that there would be no use in having a scan because I was too early on, and the hospital will only do it after a certain time. I was broken, I had lost the life that people I know have so easily got.
What I know now, is that, this pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy, the baby was just a small cluster of cells and many women have these but do not know that they are miscarrying. Even though there is a name for what happened, I was still grieving my baby and the life I had imagined for them.
But, life had to carry on and so it did.
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