I set myself a goal to try and write every week but that's gone out of the window. I've been really struggling actually, there have been so many things on my mind and I've just not wanted to write it down because, well, to be honest I didn't see the point. Grief has hit me massively the past few weeks, and when I started to feel better it hit me all over again. I know that's what they say about grief, that it's not linear, but it feels so shit when you've built yourself up, to then be knocked down again, it is like taking 10 steps backwards.
Friendships
Losing your baby is awful, and trying to navigate a normal-ish life around that is proving to be the hardest thing I've imagined. However, what they don't tell you about losing someone, is also losing the people who you thought would be there for you.
I am eternally grateful for those who have stuck by me, for the people who have made an effort even when their life is also going to shit, that to me, is a friend. A friend of mine, who I had not seen in 2 years, made the effort to drive 4 hours to come to Luke's funeral and when I thanked her, she told me "it's important". After she had left, my whole family said to me what a great friend she is, and I honestly cannot agree more. I know now, that if I needed her for anything, she would be there for me.
My second friend has been the most amazing person I could ever ask for. I always saw her as the older sister of Luke (who we named the baby after) and in all honesty I used to find her scary (she's the loveliest person on the planet btw so I have no idea why). It wasn't until my cousin Karina, more of a sister to me, passed away in 2019 that we really became friends. She understood grief, and she understood what it felt like to lose someone so close and to have that felt safe, she has been such a big part of my life, so much that I never want to lose her, ever. Her family, is now mine. I am so grateful to have her and her mum in my life, because I know if shit hits the fan they are both there for me, and I am for them.
Although I have these people in my life, there have been people that let me down, massively. I believed that many of my 'friends' would have been there for me in a time of need, especially one like this because I would have for them, and it shows how wrong I have been. I completely understand that people have their own lives, but telling me you're going to visit and you don't is a shitty move. I have never felt as lonely as I do right now, I miss the gossip, and the banter and every little thing about having the 'girls' around me, and I have needed that normality more than ever. This is a big lesson I've learnt, that people don't live up to the expectations I had of them and I think I'm finally realising that not everyone will give the same effort back that I give them.
Grief on top of grief is hard, but I know there are people who do really want the best for me and I cannot thank those people enough.
Moving On
I am trying to get myself out of a rut, and I really don't think I'm doing too bad. There are days which are worse, but I know that's what life will be like now. BUT, I got myself an access course last week, so I can work on my career and do something I LOVE and I am so excited to where my life takes me.
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