This week has been a hard one, the grief is overwhelming and consumes nearly everything I do. I don't feel like myself, and I know that I will never be that person again. I've not done much, like most weeks, we went to the gym on Saturday, and had a VERY unsuccessful shopping trip on Sunday. My husband is currently away during the week, so, I went to my parents on Monday. I saw the family, and gave my nephew his birthday present, and, although these are the moments that I should live for, they seem to be the moments that make everything 10x worse.
Seeing everyone at the same time might just be a little too much for me. I want to enjoy it, and it makes me SO mad that I don't, I love the kids, but there is an unbearable thought that my son, Luke, will never get to be there with them.
We had another scan at 12 weeks, because we got the timeline wrong, which happens all the time if you've had a miscarriage, or irregular periods. They did the scan, and again, there was a perfect little baby, with nothing irregular to show. We were given our due date, 11th January, My husband said it would be his luck for the baby to be born on his birthday (20th), but, there it was again. The niggle in the back of my head that the baby would be early.
However, I was in THE SECOND TRIMESTER, and once you get to this part, you kind of think that nothing will go wrong, that you're out of the woods, you start telling people, you start buying bits and bobs to welcome the baby into the world. I would pick up little bits every time I did a food shop, small things, so it wouldn't be a mad rush when January comes around. My mental health took a dive if I'm being honest, I had A LOT of time off work for this, me and my husband were 3 hours from each other and I had the miscarriage on my mind. I began physio for my back and pelvis, my ligaments just decided to give up on me so I had to wear a belt everywhere. I was pregnant though and I was going to have my perfect family I had always dreamt of. Around 14 weeks, is when I felt movement, It was such a lovely feeling, knowing that I am growing a human inside of me, that a little miracle was going to make me a mum. I tell you now, that baby moved SO much, and I am so lucky that I got to feel that.
I think the grief will last a while, It doesn't seem to get any easier, in fact it feels like its getting worse. I shouldn't expect myself to be better but I am DYING to get back to my normal self.
I am so hung up on the people who keep telling me that they're there for me, yet, haven't visited. I had a conversation with my mum yesterday, about how i expect the same from people for what I would do for them and that people are not what you expect them to be. It's a hard lesson, but I am learning it.
But, I have realised, that the people who want to be there for you, will be. Some people who have been an absolute GOD SEND in this horrible time, and what I have realised about these people, is that they have all experienced grief, may not be in the same way, but it's happened. So, I think grief changes you, I think it's changing me.
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