Coming out of the darkest period of my life has been very overwhelming, of course I still have bad days, but overall I’m okay.
When I look back, I look at how I’ve acted and things I’ve said, and whether I really needed to do that. I don’t regret anything, because I know that in my time of healing, that’s what I needed to do. Maybe I should’ve gone about things a different way, but they’re done now, and things can’t be changed.
For instance, when Luke first died, I made myself attend family events. I was around children, when I really didn’t need to be. I would cry on the way there, and then cry on the way back, knowing that I have to torment myself. Then, when I finally put those boundaries in, I felt awful, like I’d done the wrong thing. I know I didn’t, because i still see the children, just less. That is what is good for me.
I’ve let friendships die, and that’s one of the hardest things about losing Luke. I’ve lost my friends too. Grief completely enveloped me and all I wanted (and needed) was my friends to come and see me, for me to be Beth again. To let my hair down, to laugh again, because it is only now that I have found real happiness.
Losing Luke was the darkest hole I’ve ever been in, he was my future and is now my past. Not only do I have to live with the fact I made the choice to stop the pregnancy, but I also had to watch my son die.
A gentle reminder, that you should check in on your friends. Social media does not tell the whole truth, if you’d look at mine you would think I’m loving life. It’s not true, you see what I want you to see. You cannot see me now, sat in my pyjamas, red eyes from crying, and unbrushed hair.
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