I am out of survival mode.
Luke dying was completely and utterly the worst thing that has ever happened, and arguably the worst thing that ever can happen. No parent, as soon as you see that blue line, expects their child to die before them. I am constantly told how amazing and strong I have been, that people don’t understand how I do it. I’ll tell you my secret, you just do.
Forgetting
Isn’t it crazy how the mind works, how the mind can forget about things that have traumatised you. I have always been told I have a good memory, I remember the smallest things. But, I cannot, for the life of me, remember much about Luke’s birth, death and the weeks following. I hate myself for it, that I don’t remember him being alive, or saying goodbye. I wrote about it, and I’m glad I did, because that is the only way I will know what happened.
I am going to write a timeline, because there are key moments that I remember.
A) 25th August- diagnosis
B) 2nd September- Luke
C)7th September- Meg
D) Some date???- Luke’s funeral
E) Christmas/ Disneyland
That’s it, I couldn’t tell you what I did within that time? I don’t know if anyone came to visit me, I don’t know who I spoke too, who spoke to me? Weird.
There are things I regret doing, like falling asleep after giving birth to him, I fell asleep whilst he was living and breathing. I feel like the worst mum, that I did not hold him long enough. He was living, and I missed it. I regret not dressing him for his funeral, that he was in the hands of a stranger (albeit a lovely stranger), that his own mum could not face seeing him before he was cremated. What kind of mother does that make me?
I know at the time, it is what I thought was best. But had I been given the opportunity now, I would hold him forever. I would not leave him alone.
My next door neighbours have just had a baby boy. Last night I heard his cries whilst I was in bed, what do I do with that? How do I live in my world of grief, when the one thing I want, I cannot have. I am happy for them, but I am sad for me.
Help
A couple of people I know have had TFMR’s in the past couple of months, and it has really taken a toll on me. I am grateful everyday that people feel as though they can talk to me about it, and I will always lend my help. Although, it’s brought back all of the emotions to the surface, and has turned my world upside down. Is it comforting to know that I am not the only one? I’m not sure, at the moment, it makes it worse.
I have never meant to offend anyone, and I think people read what’s on here and take it to heart. This is my mind, my thoughts, my anger, my sadness, my happiness. Some things I regret saying on here, but that is how I’ve felt, and I know that people reading this will take comfort that they are not the only ones who have felt that way. That is why I write it.
Emotions
Throughout my whole life I have been ridiculed for being emotional, I am a crier. I cry and cry and cry, but I genuinely think that is the only way through this. I have felt every emotion under the sun, and rolled with it, because you have too. If you don’t, it’ll come out another way. I’d much rather cry.
Happiness- I have felt guilt for being happy, that I shouldn’t be, I should be sad all the time. But things do make me happy, I love long walks on the moors. I love my husband and my dog. I love the feeling of getting a PB in the gym. I love making delicious food. I love knowing that my words are making other people feel safe. I am happy.
Sadness- of course I feel sad, I am sad every day. I am sad that Luke does not get to live a full life. That I have no child to hold. I am sad when Meg is poorly. I am sad when my husband is at work.
I am sad.
Guilt- although everyone says I shouldn’t feel guilty, of course I do. I took my child’s life from him. I did not dress him. Nor visit him. I did not hold him just that bit longer. I am guilty.
Anger- I get angry at a lot of things, and I think it’s really shit that I have a dead son. I say that every day, because it’s fucked up. I am angry when someone parks in my space, even though that doesn’t matter really. I am angry.
Jealousy- if you’ve lost a baby, you will know there are pregnant people and babies bloody everywhere. I never noticed it before, but I do now that’s for sure. I am jealous everyday, I wanted that life, but I do not have it. I am jealous of people who can smash a whole cake and not gain a pound. I am jealous of people with friendship groups. I am jealous of the parents who lost their baby and went back to work. I am jealous.
Thankyou
Thankyou as always for reading, I am having a bit of a hard time to be honest. I am going to the gym more regularly, I have started running with Meg (which is actually quite fun). I will be better :)
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