I've been struggling recently with my own identity, I am who I am but I wonder if any of the bad things hadn't happened who would I be today? I don't remember a time before grief, before I'd lost an important person in my life.
My childhood was great, we used to go on long walks in the woods with Kracker (our childhood dog) and go out to visit my grandad, play endlessly with the huge amounts of cousins, Easter egg hunts, sword fights and an immense amount of fun.
The first time I ever experienced grief, and I'm sure is the same for most people, is a family pet dying. I had a guinea pig and so did my brother, they were called Ronnie and Reggie. My brothers guinea pig died first, he was given a proper burial, in the garden. My guinea pig however, was put in the wheelie bin. We laugh about it to this day, and to be honest it is quite funny. I think experiencing the loss of a pet early on in age, is a good learning curve, to know how to deal with loss. And it sure has...
I lost my grandad in 2013, I was in school and I remember it well, he was in hospital and my mum had come to collect me to say he had passed away. My grandad was an absolute legend to say the least, I was always scared to ask to have a biscuit from the tin (he would always say yes), he would slip £2 into my hands when I saw him. Some of my fondest memories from when I was a child was spent at his house. I never met my nan, she died 2 years before I was born, but from all of the stories my parents tell me, she was an incredible woman. I got my name from her, and although I never knew her, I feel very lucky to inherit a name from such a lovely lady.
In 2015, I lost my other grandparents. They're not dead, infanct they live half an hour away from where my parents live, however, their life choices and decisions made it impossible for us all to stay in contact. To put it bluntly, they're not nice people and the way they treated my family is something they'll not be forgiven for anytime soon. I don't want to sound rude, but I don't have many fond memories of them, I have great memories of going to visit them in Cyprus, but I don't remember them being very loving. Not like grandparents should be. The only time I remember my grandad hugging me, was when I fell asleep in their car on the way home from spending a day with them, and although I want to think of the good things they've done, it's hard not to think about how awful they were.
In 2017, I lost my friend Luke. Luke's character was larger than life. I had known Luke since year 7, to be honest, I had always had the biggest crush on him, and I thank him for most of the music taste I have to this day. Luke was my first kiss, not that it means much now, but it always had for me, he held a place in my heart that will always be there. I had pursuaded him to go to an event on the last day of school, the tickets cost £20 (which was expensive for a 16 year old!!!!), he said he didn't want too. But me and my friend BEGGED him to go, so we got on the bus to buy our tickets. That evening, he stepped on a three drain (they're bad luck) and me and another friend joked that something bad would happen now because he wouldn't shout TOAST after. Now I know that's not the reason he died, but there is an overwhelming sense of guilt that had I not begged him to come, or joked about the three drain, he would still be with us. I lost a lot of school friends after he died. I was told that I was not his friend, and that I shouldn't be grieving for him. I was told that on the day of his funeral. People grieve in their own way, but I can't believe, looking back on it, how awful these people were to us. We felt guilty, and we had just lost a friend, to then lose all of our other friends, was devastating.
In 2018, I lost a part of myself. My first boyfriend was horrible, he did horrible things to me that I will never forgive him for. I always thought I was strong, and that if someone ever hurt me in any way, I would stand up for myself and leave. I didn't though, I just continued in that relationship until he finally ended it with me. Of course, there was many people that didn't believe me, which at the time hurt me a lot, I would never make a lie like that up. So again, I lost friends. It affected me for years, never fully trusting a boy in my life, I remember an ex telling me to "get over it now", so I had to move on, otherwise I would be shunned for it.
In 2019, Karina was diagnosed with cancer (again), she had been sick before and was put into remission but it came back. Karina was always like a big sister to me, we spent a lot of time with her when we were younger, she would take me and my siblings out on days out. When she was first diagnosed, I shaved my hair off for her, we even raised over £2000. Karinas smile would light up a room, the life and soul of the party. I remember, after she had been diagnosed for the second time, she cried into my dads arms saying "I don't want to die". That has stuck with me, because I genuinely thought that she would be around forever. I got a phone call whilst I was away, to say she had 2-8 weeks left to live. I was home straight away, I had to see her before he left us. The last time I saw her, she told me that I was "strong and brave and beautiful", that she was "so proud" of me. I will carry those words with me for eternity. She passed then 3 weeks later. To be honest, I catch myself forgetting that she's gone, that I should pop in to see her, to message her to put the kettle on.
And then in 2023, I had my first miscarriage, and then lost Luke in the September. And that's where we are now.
My life has been fuelled by all sorts of grief, and I will never know the person who I would've been without that. Although, these experiences throughout my life has shaped me, and I am grateful for the universe for giving me such an incredible family, husband and friends, because without them I'm not sure what I would have done.
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