It’s been a very strange couple of weeks for me, I have been finally feeling like I’ve been ready to get back to normality, to work again, to socialise and bring back Beth. It’s been 7 months since Luke died, and in reality that’s no time at all, mothers would still be on maternity (and so should I, but that’s a different matter isn’t it) and they would still be at home.
Many grieving people don’t go back to work for years after they lose their loved ones, so to be honest, I’m not entirely sure why I thought I’d be different.
I put this expectation on myself, like I should be over it by now, that I should be okay. Although though everyone around me tells me different. Even though they tell me this, it can sometimes feel like they want me to move past it, that Luke shouldn’t be brought up in conversation, and that me and my husband have chosen to not have kids, that our lives are exactly the way we want it to be. That we’re happy to be living the way we are. I am happy with our life, and I couldn’t be more grateful for what we’ve got, but that’s not how it is. This is not the life we planned for us.
So after two weeks of working, we’ve decided that it’s not for me… yet. I still (very much) struggle with seeing babies. I don’t want to be faced with new-born babies all of the time, reminded that it’s something that I don’t have, or won’t have any time soon. I don’t want the stupid comments that people say to me. Such as “you can have my child for the day, that’ll put you off” like what? I don’t want your child, I want mine. Going back to work was too much for me, and my mental health really decreased since going back.
Sometimes it feels like people don’t recognise that Luke was a baby, when I tell people I’ve lost my son, it’s like he never existed. That he wasn’t alive and breathing for 2 hours. I don’t know whether it’s because of how young he was or what, but he was alive and he was my son. There’s a bitterness in me, that is just there. Nobody I know understands, I feel so lonely like I have no friends, nobody to talk too. Not one person that I was friends with last year has any idea what is going on in my life.
I feel grief from the people I’ve lost, my friends that are no longer there, the grief of the person I once was, that I can’t go back to work, that I feel guilty for being happy when just walking the dog. I don’t know how I feel anymore.
This post honestly has no consistency, it’s just thoughts and words and things in my head. It has not been planned I just need to write it down, if it’s out it’s not in my head, and that’s better.
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