Recently my grief journey has been a bit strange, I've been okay-ish. I have finally felt like a person again, but that person is a shell of what I once was.
I've had some good news, I say good lightly, because in all honesty it never should've happened. When Luke was born, I was denied maternity leave, because he was under 24 weeks, even though he was alive. I was put on sick leave instead, which I guess was good that I wasn't working 3 hours away from my husband. But I was, and should've been entitled to maternity. A couple weeks after birth, I asked for it, and they said 'no', even after explaining that he was a neonatal death, they came back with a hard no, and that was that.
But a couple weeks ago, I was thinking, I should've been entitled to maternity. My son was alive, very much alive, his heart was beating for 2 hours (and I have a birth certificate to prove it). So I rang the maternity people, and even they agreed that because I had the certificate, I should've got it. This then sent me into a frenzy, because for 6 months I KNEW that I should've been given maternity leave.
It feels like a massive weight lifted off my shoulder, but also there is a lingering sadness around the situation. My son was not recognised as a human being for 6 months, and never would have been if I hadn't disputed it. Now, I can't fault my doctor, because she was actually amazing during the whole process, and did give me 6 months sick pay, and referred me to the mental health team. However, when I was supposed to be healing from child birth, and grieving my dead son, I was sent on courses that felt like did the complete opposite of this.
To be honest, sometimes I feel like I can't complain from what's happened to me. People get it way worse, I don't struggle for food, I have a roof over my head and a great family. I am very lucky to have what I have, but I don't have my son. That would complete me. I'm still struggling with day-to-day things, I didn't want to go home after being out today. I walked around Sainsbury's for an hour, doing nothing because I couldn't bare the thought of going home to walk Meg, cook dinner and do normal things. Some days everything is so over whelming that all I can think about it staying in bed.
I really am getting better though, I've been offered a job (and I'm so excited to start working again). I think it'll do me the world of good, start speaking to people again, people that have no idea about Luke, people that are happy to talk about the weather, or what's on TV (not that we really watch TV tbh). I am excited for a new venture in life.
Mothers Day
Mother's Day was a strange one, it is my first official Mother's Day as a mum, but I had to spend it without my son. My husband brought me breakfast in bed, for treats for us both and made me dinner. Which was amazing, he's amazing.
Even though, I didn't have the big emotions on Mother's Day. I now feel like I have an emotional hangover, like I was building myself up for the worst day ever, but the worst of it all is now. My emotions are all over the place, I want to cry and let it out but I can't? There are no tears, I just don't really know what to do with myself.
Anyways, that's my life currently :) sending you all love and light.
Love Beth xx
P.s remember that there is a forum on the website so that you can share your stories, it would be lovely so hear all about your babies.
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